Day 4: Two Truths and a Lie

If you read yesterday's post, you'd know that I had a relaxing day sipping on booze and recovering my skin burns. As great as that is, It does not make an interesting travel blog, so I'm gonna #SpiceItUp with stolen pictures off instagram and it'll be up to you guys to try and figure out what I actually did during the day. Let's start.

I wanted to try something special for breakfast, not this usual tourist crap I had the last few days. After looking on the dark web for half an hour I stumbled upon a dicey looking restaurant on the outskirts of Honolulu. There, if you were discreet, you could order a cat with your cappuccino.

They'll cook any strays you bring in, too.

After my delicious breakfast I wanted to work off all the calories so I started begging in the street for a yoga instructor. 10 minutes later I was approached by a smelly woman with one eye. "I will teach you yoga" the sorceress sang, "but first I will turn you into a girl and make you do a stupid pose."  "Fine" I said in a slightly higher pitch. "As long as we get a basic-ass picture of it."

Photo creds: a levitating camera

The 20 minute yoga session was, like, so worth it. I said farewell to my demon friend as she turned into a turtle and crawled into the ocean. I needed time for my parts to grow back, so I went home and cooked some zucchini. It's phallic nature proved useful in restoring my manhood.

This would go good with cat...

Shortly after lunch I was back to normal... but wait... What's this? I wasn't just a man again, I was turning into more. My stomach became a six pack. My arms grew their first biceps! I was ready to take on the world, and my first order of business was to climb a mountain and prove how fuckin cool I was.

I was thinking some really deep thoughts up there, bro.

The magic wore off on my descent, and by the time I got home I was as lumpy and pathetic as always. I had an insatiable need to watch super smash brothers, which I did for somewhere between .5 - 7 hours.

These legs used to kick ass. Now they're just kicking back.

The tournament ended and I found myself itching for some violence. Looking back, It seems that this urge to kill and destroy was just a side effect of that magical yoga bitch, but at the time all I could see was red. Just at that moment, a Jeep rode up asking for directions to the church. In a flash I incapacitated both of them and drove them out to some place with yellow grass and made them dance for me.

This picture is impressive considering my other hand was aiming a high caliber rifle

Taking live hostages and threatening their lives was hungry work, who knew! After a quick and innocent visit to an isolated body of water, I made my way back to Waikiki for a bite. I looked for the most expensive restaurant in the city, so as to avoid heat from the police, and found StripSteak in the International Marketplace. And holy smokes, wouldn't you have it, my sister worked there! 

She recommended the Poke Bowl, which sounds a lot like poke ball but looks nothing like it. Inside the bowl was fish, watermelon, and other nonsense that tasted salty and delicious. Outside the bowl was bread.

Every meal I measured in relation to Taco Bell Box Boxes. This was a 3.5

My main course was a filet mignon with a side of mashed potatoes. The bartenders kept giving me strange looks on account of my constant closed-eyed-moans that followed each bite. If this is what rich people eat then I gotta get my ass on track.

14 big boxes

That concludes my amazing day in Hawaii. I want to quickly announce that this blog is not an admission of guilt and will not be held accountable in the court of law. Thanks for reading, see you all tomorrow!